


falling for you.

by LJT



Series: it could be love. [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clexa Endgame, F/F, Falling in Love with best friend, Feels, Finn won't play a big role in this, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, mainly Clexa centered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-16 19:57:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13643385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJT/pseuds/LJT
Summary: She never meant to hurt Lexa and yet she did.And now, everything suddenly feels different.But she can't lose her best friend over some confused feelings. Right?





	1. One.

**Author's Note:**

> here it is, part 2 :)
> 
> Hope you like it!  
> let me know, what you think!

She’s beautiful. 

I’d be blind, not to notice that. I mean, I’ve got eyes. 

Her jawline, her hair, her eyes. God, her eyes. 

Everything about her draws me in and I can’t stop myself from glancing over to the brunette girl, who happens to be my best friend. 

I should have gotten used to her by now. But it seems, the more time I spend with her, the worse it gets. 

It started with a little crush, when we were about sixteen. That’s, when I first noticed, that I might – big MIGHT – like girls, too. Or her at least. 

Then there was Octavias birthday party a year later and I hit off with her brother. Bellamy’s a good guy. We were together for five years.

Ever since we split up, I had a few one-night stands, but nothing serious. I'm twenty-six now, so that’s nothing special. 

I never thought about girls again.

Until I had to take a body shot of Lexa, because Raven thought, I’d chicken out. Who am I to back away from a challenge, right? 

And who could know, that I’ve been living in one big challenge ever since. 

I only tumbled twice. Or more like… fell – hard and fast. 

There was this one time right before Christmas, when I surely would’ve slept with my best friend, if she hadn’t had some self-control. Embarrassing. 

And then Friday, two weeks ago. 

Lexa fell asleep next to me and she looked so peaceful. It felt familiar, in a safe way, and… I could not control myself.  
Something else took over my body and before I knew it, my lips were grazing over her pulse point – a weak spot of hers, which I only know, because she said so during truth or dare a few years ago. 

That woke her up, of course. There were so many emotions and different expressions were dancing over her face in the blink of an eye, like they were fighting a war. I felt the sudden urge to stop it, so I kissed her. 

I kissed my best friend. 

Sober. 

With no alcohol to blame. 

Thankfully she had some sense left in her and she suggested to get some sleep. 

But I didn’t get any sleep that night. Not, when we shared a bed and I could hear her breathing. Not, when our bodies almost touched, not, when I couldn’t get the tingling sensation out of my body. 

I prayed, I didn’t ruin our friendship, because Lexa has been very distant ever since. She even skipped our movie night the week before. 

Because of me.

I busied myself with painting and going on a few more dates with Finn in the meantime, Ravens coworker, whom she’s been trying to set me up for months now. 

He’s a great guy. 

For our first date about six weeks ago, we went mountain biking. He suggested it, because I like it. Sweet of him. Let’s just say, I kicked his ass. 

For our second date, he invited me for dinner. 

For our third last week, we went climbing and I kicked his ass again, but he didn’t mind. It was fun and he did everything right.

For our forth on Wednesday this week, he invited me to his apartment and cooked. That man can cook! What’s not to like about him?

He’s great. 

And I missed talking about him with Lexa. Because, that’s what we do. We talk about everything. One-night stands – which has been her thing for months now – or what we had for dinner, it doesn’t matter.

I can picture Finn being the right one. It just feels like I can’t be fully happy about it, if I can’t share my thoughts with her. 

I miss my best friend.

And I can’t shake the feeling, that I might have damaged our friendship, because I was my confused and horny self. 

-

I get lost in my head for a while, so I don’t even notice, that the movie’s over. 

“Clarke, I can’t do this anymore.” Lexa suddenly says. 

What is she talking about? Watching a movie?

I turn my head and recognize the distant look in her familiar green eyes. She’s pulled up her walls.

She never has done that around me before.

“What do you mean?” 

“You know what.”

“No, Lexa, I don’t.” I answer, grabbing for the remote, to stop the movie. The serious and detached look on her face scares me, but I don’t want to let it show. “You have to say more than that.”

“We kissed.”

Oh.

Damn.

I knew it. I knew, I fucked up.

“Yes?” I say, trying to sound as casual as possible. “And?”

Lexa swallows and I know, I’ve said the wrong thing. I want to take my words back, but she’s already talking. 

“See, that’s the point. Damn, we kissed.”

“Lexa, I thought… We’ve been friends forever. No big deal, right? I mean, it sort of happened. Weeks ago. Why are you bringing this up now?”

I thought, we’d never speak of it and forget it. 

“No big deal?” She repeats, her voice an octave higher. “You don’t just kiss your best friend and we’ve kissed three times.”

She doesn’t need to tell me that. I know, how often we kissed. Honestly, I remember every goddamn second about it. 

But I don’t like being blamed – and she sounds, like she _is_ blaming me. 

“Yeah, you didn’t really stop me-”

“So it’s my fault?”

Oh damn, this is going in the wrong direction. 

I bury my face in my hands. “No, that’s not what I meant, I… Damn, Lex, can we just blame it on the alcohol and-“

“Last time we both were sober.” 

I know that. 

God, I remember every fucking second of it, even though I pretended to have a blackout. I was a few seconds away from sleeping with her. I wanted to sleep with her. 

I'm still glad, she stopped it. I don’t even want to think about, how strange it would’ve been the next morning. 

“You know what, forget it.” Lexa suddenly announces and gets up. “I can’t do this right now.”

Is she for real right now? 

She can’t just walk out on me!

“Lex, please, wait-”

But it’s too late. She’s already gone.

And I'm alone, feeling like shit, because she got it the wrong way and I never meant to hurt her. But on the other hand, she walked out on me, not the other way around. She’s the one acting like a child. 

Right? Right. 

I fall back onto the couch and try to ignore the dull feeling in my stomach over a shitty movie. 

We never fight. We bicker a lot, true, because that’s our thing. But fighting? 

I mean, yeah, maybe it was a shit move to never mention the kiss, but… she didn’t either. So I thought, we could forget about it. 

I grab my phone and dial her number, but I hang up the same second. 

No. She should call. And apologize. Because you don’t run from a fight with your best friend over something, that’s clearly important, for fucks sake!

We’re friends, right? We can move past this. Right?


	2. Two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking about some scenes after this, so maybe there will be some oneshots afterwards. What do you think?
> 
> Thanks for reading, i hope you enjoy!
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> .....

I call her the next morning, because I can’t bear the silence between us. 

She doesn’t answer. 

And fuck, that hurts, because I know, she’s up. She’s an early bird and she never sleeps longer than past seven – one of the most annoying things about her, because she still manages to look that good. 

**07:31**  
**Me: pick up you idiot. I know, you’re staring at your phone.**

She doesn’t even open the message. 

What are we? Three?

**07:34**  
**Me: Lexa.**

Still – nothing. Did she get home safely? Because the weather isn’t exactly great and I hate it, when she walks home alone. That’s why she stays over most of the time. 

**07:42**  
**Me: Answer me at least, so I know you’re safe.**

Twenty minutes later, I'm angry and scared at the same time. 

**08:03**  
**Me: Are you for real?**

**08:04**  
**Me: Some time we have to talk about it. You can’t avoid me forever.**

I'm a patient person. 

No, I'm not. But that isn’t the point. The point is: under normal circumstances, I’d still be sleeping and I would wake up to the smell of pancakes in the kitchen, because Lexa loves to cook and we would’ve watched a shitty tv-show, cuddled up on the couch in our sweatpants. That’s our Saturday morning routine and it’s been this way for years. 

**09:21**  
**Me: okay, I thought, maybe you’re still sleeping. But by now, you should be awake, so text me back, you asshole!**

Okay, maybe that went little to far. 

**09:22**  
**Me: I’m sorry for the asshole. But still, please.**

What am I doing? If she doesn’t want to talk to me, then so be it. 

All I want, is to know, that she’s safe. Right? Right. 

So I text Octavia. 

**09:31**  
**Me: hey, is Lexa home? Just checking to make sure, she’s okay.**

Okay, not my most glorious moment. 

I find myself staring into the great nothing, while I'm waiting for the brunette to wake up and answer her text. 

**10:23**  
**O: she’s here, yeah. What happened?**

**10:23**  
**Me: thanks.**

I hesitate. Should I tell her? No. That’s not my place to tell, right?

**10:24**  
**Me: I'm not sure. Talk later okay?**

For the next thirty minutes, I try to busy myself. But honestly? I'm checking my phone every minute, waiting for Lexa to respond. 

I knew, she can give people the silent treatment, but I never thought, I’d be the one to get it. 

But Lexa is doing a great job, when it comes to building walls around her. She always has. 

Then I'm done with waiting.

**11:04**  
**Me: I’m coming over.**

\---

“She isn’t here.” Octavia tells me, when I reach the apartment fifteen minutes later. 

“What do you mean?”

“She left.”

“Before or after she got my text?”

No answer is all the confirmation I need. 

Wow. 

She’s not only acting like a child, but like an asshole, too. 

“Come in, let’s talk. Do you want some coffee? You look, like you need it.”

I nod, while I pull out my phone to text Lexa. 

**11:21**  
**Me: you actually left?!?! Fuck you!**  
**Me: We had a little fight and you’re running off? Really??**  
**Me: god, you’re so childish sometimes!**

I tried. 

But the ball’s in her court now.

**11:22**  
**Me: you know what? Call me, when you’re ready to act like an adult again.**

“So.” Octavia says, as she’s handing me a cup. “Will you explain what happened? Or do I need to call Raven?”

“We had a fight.”

“No, really?” She answers sarcastically. “I wouldn’t have figured.”

“Haha.”

“What did you do? Because she looked pretty… pissed, when she got home yesterday.”

Pissed. That makes two of us. 

“You can’t tell Raven.”

She raises both her eyebrows. “That bad?”

“Depends. We… sort of kissed? A few times?”

“YOU WHAT?”

Okay, there’s no way, she won’t tell Raven now.

I groan.

“Griffin, I need details!” 

“There’s not much to tell.” I say, even though it seems, there is. Plenty. 

And then I tell her everything, that happened so far. The body shot. The making out against my apartment door. She almost sex. The kiss on the couch. 

“No. Way.”

I sigh. 

“You kissed her? And then you pretended, like nothing happened?”

“Yes.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Thanks, I knew that.” 

“No.” Octavia shakes her head. “Let me make this clear. You kissed her. You, the faithful girl, kissed the queen of one-night stands. You, the straight girl, kissed her, the lesbian. You kissed your best friend. And then you pretended, like nothing happened.”

If she puts it this way, I feel even shittier, than before. 

“Clarke. She probably feels used. Like you were experimenting with her and then…”

Yeah, I can follow her thoughts. And then I behaved, like I was ashamed. 

Fuck. 

This is much worse, than I thought. 

The hurt expression on Lexas face makes sense now. 

God, how could I be angry at her? 

“How do I fix this?” I ask, trying to avoid sounding as desperate, as I'm feeling right now.

Octavias face is full of empathy, but she doesn’t offer a solution. “I don’t know, sweetie. Give her time?”

“But what if I ruined it? What if I hurt her that deeply, that she doesn’t want to talk to me ever again?” 

“She will. We’re talking about Lexa here.” She tries to reassure me. “She’ll come around, when she’s ready, I promise.”

\-----

Little did I know, that I would suffer horrible until she finally calls. 

It’s Sunday evening, when my phone rings, and I almost drop it to the floor, before I can answer. 

“Lex.” I exhale her name. “You waited two full days.”

She doesn’t say anything and I know, why. 

Because Lexa’s really good at this silent-treatment-thing and she would’ve waited even longer. Octavia probably convinced her to call. 

“I'm sorry.” I start, trying to use the time, she’s giving me. “I shouldn’t have… avoided the topic. And I'm sorry, that I kissed you and tried to ignore it. I'm… sorry. I don’t even know, why I did it. I just… I miss you, Lex. And I need you.” 

I mean every word I say. 

I’ve been feeling, like something’s been missing, and it’s just been two days. 

“Okay.” Lexa answers after a few silent seconds, which felt like days. “I'm sorry too.” 

“Are we good?” 

Because it doesn’t feel like it. 

“We will be.”

Three words and my tears are falling freely. 

Why do these words sound like a goodbye? 

I clench my jaw, to keep myself from crying, and cover the microphone with my hands, so she won’t hear my sniffing. 

_We will be._

Fuck, I'm such an idiot.

“Good night, Lex.” I tell her quietly, before I hang up. 

Have I lost her? 

Because it certainly feels like I have. And it’s an awful feeling. 

...


	3. Three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys,  
> here it is. Chapter 3. God, I finished the whole thing today, so you'll definitely get the rest soon.  
> We've got holidays over here for the rest of the week, so no work, no studying... I've spent the whole day, sitting at my desk, writing. The perfect day for me and exactly, what I needed after the last couple of weeks.  
> I hope, you like it!  
> Love,  
> LJT.

...

“You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” I try to cover my blush, but the smile on Finns face tells me, he saw it. 

“Do you really think, Octavia meant it, when she said, I could come too?”

“Of course she did. She’s curious about you.”

“And why does that sound, like she’s about to interrogate me about my intentions?” He asks laughing nervously.

“Well, that’s because, she probably will. What are your intentions?”

He grins boldly. “We’ll see?”

“Let’s go. You want to make a good first impression, don’t you?”

“Definitely.”

\----

I haven’t been to Octavias and Lexas apartment since the day Lexa actively avoided me after our… fight. I haven’t talked to her either. 

So I'm not exactly excited to meet her today. 

But what I didn’t expect, was, that she wouldn’t be here. 

Octavia points to Lexas room wordlessly, but I won’t give in. I apologized, right? She said, we would be okay – someday. 

I spend an hour talking, laughing and dancing, until I can’t take it anymore. 

“Finn?” 

“Yeah?”

“I'm going to talk to Lexa. You okay here?” 

“Sure.” He smiles. “Go fix your friendship.”

I told him, we had a fight, when he noticed, that I was a little… absent. What I didn’t tell him, was the reason behind it. We just started dating, so it would be pretty weird, that I kissed my best friend – after our first date.

“I’ll be right back.” 

He nods and kisses my cheek, before he lets go of my hand. 

I walk into the kitchen to mix a drink I came up with last week, just to have something to start a conversation.

A few seconds later, I knock on her door. “Lex?”

No answer. 

“Lexa. Why don’t you join the party?” 

I wait a few more seconds, until I open the door and find myself in front of the green-eyed brunette, who’s been avoiding me so far. 

“Hey. I was just finishing up.” She says, smiling and sounding casually. 

To me it feels like a punch in the gut. 

“Want something to drink? It’s a new one.”

“Sure, thanks.” She takes the glass I'm offering and drinks it in one go. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Just thirsty. Gotta catch up, right?” 

And with that she leaves me standing there alone. 

She told me, we would be okay. But does she even care about our friendship? About me? Because she’s been taking her time and that’s okay. I know, I hurt her. But can’t we talk about it? Talk it out?

I watch her from afar, while I'm joining Finn, who’s talking with Bellamy and some other guys. 

Lexa doesn’t look happy. Instead, she looks tired and worn out, like she’s missing sleep. She always had trouble sleeping and her job isn’t exactly helping. 

Then Costia shows up. 

Her pretty, sexy, blonde ex-girlfriend from highschool. 

Since when is she back in town?

I hold my breath behind pursed lips to steel myself against the hug they share.

I watch them talking and laughing, their faces really, unnecessary close. Costia is giggling, like she’s three. 

So Lexa can’t talk with me after a lifelong friendship, but she can talk to the ex, who she cried over for weeks? 

I'm not her. 

That’s the truth and nothing’s ever going to change it. 

But I can’t stand by the sidelines, watching Lexa getting hurt again. I can’t and I won’t. Nope, not happening. 

Before I know it, I'm moving. 

I grab Lexas hand to get her attention. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Hey Clarke.” 

_Yeah, shove it up your ass, you bitch._ I think to myself. 

“Cos.” I don’t even look at her. Instead, I stare into Lexas hesitant eyes.

I pull the brunette with me towards the bathroom, before she can say anything. I couldn’t bear her rejection right now. 

When I’ve closed the door behind us, Lexa is really close. 

“You can’t keep avoiding me.” I tell her firmly. 

“What do you want me to say? You’re here with Finn.” She says. Is it anger in her voice? “So I'm not going to have that talk now.”

God, she’s so stubborn!

Doesn’t she know, how important this is?

“No, you don’t understand. I… God, I miss you, Lex. I…”

“You what?” Now she’s definitely angry. “Why don’t you say, what you want for once, Clarke? It isn’t that hard.” 

Wow, I didn’t expect that outburst.

She wants to know, what I want? Okay. She can have that.

“I WANT YOU, OKAY?!” I shout. “I _miss_ you. I can’t stop thinking about you and I… I want you. _I want you._ ” And with the last word, my voice breaks. 

-

Heavy silence hangs in the air between us. 

“You don’t want me.” She answers, shaking her head. 

“How do you know?”

A silent war is raging behind her dark eyes, I can almost see her body shaking. 

Slowly, but yet so quickly, she backs me up against the washing machine and before I know it, she’s lifted me up on it, stepping between my legs. 

What…? 

“Lex, what… what are you doing?” My voice is barely a whisper. Suddenly, she’s so close and… 

“You don’t want me.” She tells me, looking at me, like she’s staring into my soul. Her hands still rest on my thighs, setting my skin on fire, while her eyes darken. “You don’t.”

And before I know it, before I can even decipher the look in her eyes, she crashes her lips into mine, burning my lips with her mouth. 

It’s not an innocent kiss. It’s hot, fiery, passionate and demanding. It’s taking over my body, my mind, my heart and my soul.

I want to pull away before I lose myself, but I can’t seem to… 

In this moment, I lose all my senses and I can no longer think straight.

Clasping my hand around the back of her neck, I knot my fingers in her hair, melting against her body, into the kiss. 

I would feel like falling, wouldn’t she be there to hold me. Pure electricity is pulsing through my veins.

As abruptly, as it started, she pulls back. Her pupils are blown wide, her eyes seem to be completely black. 

What…?

Fuck.

Oh my god. 

“You don’t want me.” Lexa says breathlessly, stepping back. “At least not the way I want you, Clarke.”

Lexa looks so… heartbroken. So full of pain.

_No._

_Please._

“Lex-” I try, but I don’t even know, what to say. 

“You’re with Finn. And I’ll get over it eventually. Just… just give me time, okay?”

I nod, even though every fiber of my body screams NO!

Lexa leans in, while I'm just frozen, waiting for the brush of her lips on my skin. She leaves a kiss on my forehead, a painfully long, soft and loving kiss. 

And then she’s gone, leaving me behind in that bathroom.

She…

How could that happen?

I mean, how…? 

I can feel the tears welling in my throat, before they reach my eyes. 

When the door opens again, my bottom lip is trembling. And when Octavia sees my face, she immediately wraps her arms around me.

It’s not comforting. 

I’ve lost her. I know it. I feel it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading :)  
> Let me know, what you think - and have a beautiful day !


	4. Four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!  
> happy valentines day -or however you say it. here's my present :D  
> we're almost done here. Feels strange.  
> I'll add another chapter on "All the reasons I loved you for" later!
> 
> hope, you like it :)

...

I break up with Finn the next morning. 

God, I feel awful, because he’s a really sweet guy and he did everything right. 

But that kiss shook me to the core and… 

Goddamn. 

I liked it. I loved it. It felt great. Out of the world. 

For the following three days, I stay holed up in my apartment on the couch, watching reruns of Friends to feel better. 

But I don’t. 

Why did she kiss me? Does she… have feelings for me? 

Lexa is great at this “no-feelings-thing”. They’ll fade, right? They have to. 

But what about mine? Do I have feelings for her? Non-friendly, romantic feelings? 

No. 

It was a just pretty good kiss in the heat of the moment, while I was a little tipsy. 

Right? Right. 

\---

Days turn into weeks and I'm still feeling like shit. 

So that’s, how a breakup feels. But I didn’t break up with the guy I was dating. Instead, my best friend broke up with me. 

I miss her. Like hell. 

I miss her laughter. 

I miss her smell on my pillow. She denies it, but she steals my pillow every night, because she’s a cuddler. 

I miss giving her the peperoni on my pizza, which I only order, because she loves them. I still order the same pizza, only to be reminded by the sad truth by the leftovers.

I miss stealing her hoodies. 

Hell, I even miss her complaints about my music taste. 

One week. 

Two. 

Three. 

Four weeks. A whole month, since I’ve seen her. 

Five. 

Six. 

Seven. 

Eight. Two months. Still nothing changes. 

Nine weeks. 

And I give in. I need to see her. I need to make sure, she’s okay. 

\----

Everyone’s going out tonight again – without her, like they did for weeks. 

I call the hospital, to make sure, she isn’t working. And then I find myself in front of her apartment. 

I knock. 

There are footsteps, then her voice says: “Octavia, I swear, if you forgot your keys again, I-” Lexa blinks. “Clarke.”

“Hey.” 

“What are you doing here?” 

“It’s Friday.” I tell her, trying to ease the tension hanging in the air. 

“And?” 

Okay, that hurt. I swallow my pride and try again. “I… Are you up for a movie night?”

“Clarke, I-”

She can’t say no. “Okay, wait.” I interrupt her. “I know, this feels wrong. Give me a minute. I'm trying to remember my speech.”

I didn’t plan a speech. In fact, I didn’t plan anything, but coming here. 

“If you want me to go, because it’s a strange situation, I’ll go, but… I know, you’re not talking to anyone. And… I know, that you’re holing yourself up in there and your work and that you need your best friend, so… I'm trying to be. I… I want to be there for you. If you let me. If you want me to.”

When I look up, Lexa is crying. And it’s breaking my fucking heart. 

“Can I… hug you?” _God, that sounds so wrong._

But Lexa nods and I wrap my arms around her, before she can change her mind. She smells of alcohol.

I don’t know, how long we stand there. 

Then she pulls back and let’s me into her apartment. She puts in the DVD I brought without saying anything further for the next two hours, and if that’s, what she needs, she can have it. 

God, I’d give anything, to get her back. 

Lexa keeps drinking and I keep staring at the tv. 

Then the credits roll and I know, she feels it too. 

“Clarke, I…”

“It’s okay, Lex. You don’t have to say anything. I'm here for you, if you want that.”

“I shouldn’t have kissed you. I'm sorry.” She says. 

I reach out my hand, until she finally takes it. “You don’t have to be sorry for that. You expressed your feelings.”

“Feelings, I shouldn’t have.” She mumbles. 

Did she just…? 

She’s got feelings for me. 

But where does that leave us now? Can we still be friends? Somehow? Some time?

Doesn’t that change everything? 

From the look in her eyes, I can tell, that she feels it, too. She knows. 

“Lex, I… I don’t want to lose you.” _I can’t._

I can see, that my simple confession makes her angry. 

“How’s that supposed to work?” She asks furiously, her green eyes sparkling fiercely. “I can’t pretend, that I'm not in love with you!”

I can feel all color leaving my face. 

What? 

“In… love?” I repeat, not sure, if I even managed to make a sound. 

“Yes, Clarke, I'm in love with you. I love you. And you’re not in love with me, and that’s okay.” She says, and suddenly she’s talking like a waterfall. “But there’s a big fat elephant in the room and we can’t pretend, like it’s not. Because I'm not sure, I can be close to you right now. I want to, but… it hurts. And it isn’t your fault, I don’t want you to think that, but I… maybe…” Lexa closes her eyes for a second and I'm watching with horror, that she starts crying.

Maybe what? 

Maybe we can work it out? 

Maybe we can try? 

WHAT?

“Maybe you should go.”

“Lex, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to make it any harder for you. I just want to be there for you.” I say. And I know, that I'm begging, but I can’t go. 

I… God, I…

“I appreciate that. I do. It was sweet of you, to come over, but I… I need you to go. Please.”

I refuse to accept her words. 

She loves me? 

She wants me to go? Just like that? Like I didn’t care about her?

“I'm not going to leave you like that.” I tell her, shaking my head. 

Lexa gets up and walks, no runs to her room. 

The sound of a slamming door echoes through my head like the sound of a shot in the mountains. 

What the hell happened? Right now? To us?

All I want to do, is to hold her, to comfort her and to never let her go. 

“Lex.” I whisper quietly on the other side of her bedroom door. “Lex, please. Can I do something for you?”

“No.” She answers. 

She’s crying. Because she fell in love with me and I can’t reciprocate the feelings. She’s crying because of me.

That’s when I know, that I'm no longer welcomed here. 

With numb fingers, I call Octavia. 

“Yeah?” Loud music drowns her voice. 

“Hey, it’s me. Can you… come home?”

“Did something happen? Is Lexa okay?”

“No, nothing happened. I just… Can you? It’s important.”

“I’ll be there in twenty.” And she hangs up, without further questions. 

She’s one of the best, most loyal, most caring persons I know. So it’s easy to make another decision. 

“Lex? O’s coming home. I… I won’t talk to her about me or you for a while, okay? So… you can confide in her.” I say, hoping, that she’s listening. “Talk with her, like you would with me, yes?”

There’s no answer.

I sit in silence, until Octavia arrives back at the apartment. I don’t even have to explain. Pointing wordlessly at Lexas door is enough. 

There’s nothing else to do. 

I decide to walk home, even though it’s a long march and it’ll probably take half of the night, but I feel, like I need it. Like I deserve it, as I walk back down onto the street. 

I'm leaving two broken hearts behind. Mine, because I don’t know, if we’ll ever fix this. And hers, which I never meant to hurt.

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Thoughts?


	5. Five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> The end. Maybe?  
> I'm still unsure, whether to add a few one-shots or another short-story on this or not - what do you think?  
> I hope, you're content with the way I wrote Clarke's POV - I am.  
> For this chapter (at least the first part of it), I listened to Tori Harpers "After Dark" and "Joy", if anyone wants the "movie-kind-of-experience", how I call it while writing.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRakjdzaNl4  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_rC_qWlpjI 
> 
> Leave a comment, if you've got questions or if you want to share thoughts or ideas for a part 3. 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \---

...

I spend days sitting in front of the same blank canvas, a brush in my hand. 

Then I spend months trying to find some inspiration. Trying to find myself – because my art and my life have always been irreversible connected.

Almost the whole April, I sit down on a bench in the park, watching people passing by, making some sketches, enjoying the warmth of the spring sun on my skin. 

In May, I search for street musicians all over the city and get lost in their wonderful music. I even grab my old guitar and start playing some familiar tunes myself. By the end of the month, I find comfort in it and sign for some classes. 

In June I don’t feel as light, as I should. Summer’s my favorite time of the year, but it makes me miss her even more. No shared ice-cream for breakfast, no milkshakes in the sun, no birthday-traditions.  
She sends a message for my birthday and I spend almost the whole day, glancing at my phone, trying not to hope, that maybe, just maybe, I might get her back one day. I reply a thank you and it feels so fucking wrong, that I lock myself in the bathroom to cry.  
She doesn’t come to my party and I don’t feel like celebrating. I get wasted, so I don’t remember anything the next day. I still feel like shit.

In July, I get a tattoo. It’s something, I wanted to get for ages, but I never found the courage to do. It’s a great feeling and I'm smiling for days.

In August, Raven throws her summer party. Everyone is coming.  
Lexa looks… breathtaking. Literally. I almost forgot, how beautiful she is. I spend the party, staring at her, even though we hardly speak. 

It’s this day in August, one year after the body-shot, that I realize, that this dull, aching feeling in my heart won’t go away.  
And, that I'm finally able to accept the truth: something has always been there. Something, that I can’t keep ignoring. A part of me, that I don’t want to ignore anymore, if it means losing more precious time.

It takes me a few more days to accept it, to embrace the new me. But I’ve got a good reason to and that makes it a lot easier. 

When I do, I drive home for a weekend to see my Mom. 

\--

“Clarke! What are you doing here?” She asks, after she’s opened the door of my childhood home. She hugs me tightly. 

Mom and I have a complicated relationship, we’ve always had. But she’s the first one, I want to talk to about the news. 

“I wanted to see you.”

She frowns. “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah. Can I stay a night?” 

“Of course. Get in here.” 

We sit down at the kitchen table and she makes us two cups of tea – Dads favorite. 

“I need to tell you something.”

“I figured. But you’re not pregnant, are you?” She asks, clearly unamazed. 

“Mom! No.” I shake my head. 

“Good.”

That’s it. The moment of truth. There’s no turning back and I’ve never felt better.

“I'm bisexual.” 

Mom blinks. “Oh, okay.”

“Yeah.”

She stares at me for a moment, before she takes a sip of her tea. “Who’s the lucky girl?”

“You’re not… angry? Upset?”

“I was upset, when you dropped out of med-school. But why should I be upset about you being bisexual, sweetie? You’re still the same. And besides, when I look at the male options out there, I gotta say, I understand.” She chuckles at her bad joke. Even though she’s right.

I knew, she wouldn’t react badly. But I didn’t expect her to take it that easily either. 

“So, who’s the lucky girl?” She asks again.

“Why does there have to be-” I stop myself, when a wide, knowing smile crosses her face. “It’s Lexa.”

“Lexa? Your Lexa?” 

“Yeah.”

“Excellent choice. She’s probably perfect for you.” 

“You think so?”

“I love her, you know that.”

_I do, too._ It just took me months to understand it. 

“Where’s the problem, Clarke?” 

Of course she knows. Annoying, motherly superpower. 

“I hurt her. Badly.” I reply sighing. “And I fear, that I'm too late for her.”

“Well, I don’t know, what you did. But I know you and I know her. And I know, that you’ll work it out.” Mom answers. “Because if it’s love, there’s always a way.”

“You think so?”

She smiles genuinely. “I know it.” 

I reach for her hand. “Thanks, Mom.”

“Always. Are you still staying the night?”

“Yeah. Where’s Marcus?”

“He’s outside, working on his boat.”

“I’ll say hello to him.”

Mom nods. 

\------

On September 4th, I decide to take my shot. 

It’s Lexas birthday and I know, that everyone celebrated the evening before. 

She invited me via text, saying, that I could bring Finn too. Did no one tell her? 

I'm up early, pacing around my room, until it’s too nerve-racking for me to wait any longer. This is the day, I win or lose the best thing, that’s ever happened to me. 

**08:03**  
**Me: hey, birthday girl. I wish you the best. <3 I hope, you survived the party? **

**08:06**  
**Me: do you… maybe want to go for breakfast?**

And then she goes online and starts typing.

That’s, when I freak out. 

Maybe I should’ve waited a day? It’s her birthday and maybe I’ve ruined it? I mean, it’s probably really bad timing, right?

**08:08**  
**Me: I'm sorry, you probably don’t want to. I just… I wanted to talk to you about something. It doesn’t have to be today, though. I hope, you still have a nice birthday. :)**

Lexa continues typing for hours – at least it feels like this. 

**08:13**  
**Lex: Thank you :) how about grounders? Thirty minutes?**

My heart explodes and I squeal excited, jumping around the apartment, nearly dropping my phone in the process.

_She said yes._

_She said yes!!!_

_Play it cool, Clarke._

**08:14**  
**Me: see you in 30. :)**

\-----

I’m early. 

Like, ten minutes early, after freaking out, what to wear. Casual. But not too casual? 

_Goddamn, Clarke. She’s seen you hungover in an oversized t-shirt._

But still. Everything has changed between us and I want to look good, when I tell her, how I feel. 

The wind is ruining my hair and after trying to tame it a dozen times, I give up.

Another look at the time – it’s still too early. 

Fuck. What, if I'm too late? What, if she’s moved on? Or what, if I forget my speech? It’s a pretty good one.

“Hey.” Her warm, familiar voice startles me. 

Goddamn, she looks so beautiful. Her favorite black leather jacket and a simple grey t-shirt, dark blue jeans with holes in it. I could stare at her for the rest of the day, if only the time would freeze.

Should I hug her? Or not? 

Better not. 

Damn, now it feels wrong. 

“Hey.” I finally manage to answer. “You look great!”

“No, you do. I look… tired.” 

And sexy. Gorgeous. I could continue for a while. 

But I chuckle quietly, because she never saw herself as beautiful and if this day ends well, I’ll gladly tell her every day for the rest of our lives – if she lets me. 

“Are you hungry?”

Lexa nods, smiling carefully. 

We sit down at a table by the window, because she likes to watch the people passing by. 

“How was the party?”

“It was nice.” 

“Nice? That’s shittys little sister.” I tell her, making her smile in the process. 

“I know. It was great. Raven made out with my new colleague. That was… unplanned.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah. They’re still asleep on my couch.” 

The waitress appears out of nowhere and we order pancakes, like we always do. Lots of syrup for me – because I'm “sweet”. God, I miss Lexas awful joking.

We keep staring at each other for a few awkward moments. 

“Happy birthday, Lex.” I tell her quietly. 

“Thank you.”

And then I think about the things, I wanted to tell her. Where do I start? 

Her intense green eyes keep focused on my face and it’s not helping. But I need to say it.

“Umm…” I start, trying to muster the courage I need for this. “I wanted to talk to you about something.” 

I open my mouth, but the waitress reappears with our coffees. 

Fuck. 

I can’t. 

Because if she doesn’t feel the same anymore, she won’t stay in my life, right? Why should she? I hurt her and… 

“Clarke.” She interrupts my train of thoughts. 

“I'm sorry.”

“Stop apologizing. You just wanted to talk and… you haven’t done that yet.”

“I know.” I say, with a heavy sigh on my lips. It’s not helping, but I can’t stop myself from staring into her deep green eyes. “I… I broke up with Finn.”

Lexa nearly chokes on her coffee. “Oh.”

Is that just surprise on her face? I don’t dare to hope.

“Months ago. To be exact, I did it the day after the party. After we… kissed.”

Big mistake. I shouldn’t have mentioned the kiss, because suddenly everything feels hot. Is it hot in here? It sure is. 

“What do you want me to say?” Lexa asks.

“Nothing. I want you to listen. I broke up with him, because I didn’t love him. He isn’t the one for me.”

_You are._ I think to myself. 

Lexa says nothing. She just focuses on her coffee. 

“Lex, I-”

The waitress. Again. 

FUCK!

I feel like crying right now. 

Lexa starts eating her pancakes and I wonder, if I should even tell her. She seems to be good. Happy. Without me? 

God, my thoughts are running wild again. 

“Can we talk, when we’ve finished? I… want to do this right.”

Lexa looks up for a moment. “Sure.”

\-----

Breakfast’s on me, even though she insists on paying hers. 

When we leave the diner, I take her to the park. It’s early enough, to be undisturbed. And I can run off, when she rejects me. 

I'm not sure, I could take that, but I try desperately not to think of it. 

While we’re walking, I focus on keeping my distance and fidgeting with the hem of my flannel. It’s a welcome distraction. 

Lexa is her stoic self the whole time.

I start talking, as soon as we’ve sat down on the first bench we come across. “Lex… I’ve been thinking a lot. Like basically all the time. At first, I wanted to ignore it and I'm really good at ignoring things, you know that.” I chuckle quietly to myself, while my nerves get the best of me. “But I can’t stop thinking about it.”

She looks confused and I realize, I haven’t explained it. 

“The kiss.” I say. “I can’t stop thinking about how it felt, when you kissed me. Because it never felt like that with anyone before. And I… I meant it, when I said, that I want you.”

Lexa freezes. Not, that she has moved a lot, but… Somehow, she stops to breathe for a second, forgets to blink. She’s shocked and surprised and I start to hope. 

“Yes, Lex. I want you. God, you have no idea how much.” Carefully, I reach out to grab her hand. “It took me a while to realize, but I know that now.” I tell her, looking straight into those beautiful green eyes, while drawing circles on the back of her hand with my thumb – to calm myself. “I want you the same way you want me.”

She keeps silent, but I can see her thinking hard. 

She focuses on a spot in the distance, while she tries to understand, what I'm saying. 

I continue to talk, suddenly feeling the urge to explain some more. “I thought, we could be friends, like nothing ever happened, when you got over it. And I was angry at you for avoiding me. So damn angry. Because I thought, it was just a crush and that you were acting stupid. I really thought that, Lex, and I'm sorry.” 

I'm still ashamed of myself. I was so damn selfish. 

“Then you kissed me and I realized, that it wasn’t just a crush. That scared me. It scared the shit out of me, because I liked this kiss. It turned my world upside down.” 

Lexa swallows. 

“I should’ve told you, how I felt, but I panicked. I mean, I… I didn’t expect you to kiss me and to feel like that. But when you told me, you loved me, I… I panicked.” And I'm just millimeters away from panicking now, if she doesn’t say anything soon. “So I stayed away from you, because I’ve never been into girls like that and you’re my best friend and… I'm not just into you. I… I love you.”

God, it feel _soooooy_ good to finally tell her that. To say it out loud.

Lexa turns her head to look at me. Her eyes wander down to my lips and back up to my eyes, while I try to smile, though that’s really hard.

Time passes. 

I'm still holding her hand and I'm pretty sure, she feels mine getting colder with every minute passing.

“Are you going to say something some time?”

“Umm…”

“Yeah, you have to add some more words to build a sentence.”

“Clarke.” She rolls her eyes, smirking, before the expression on her face turns back to something… serious. Something wary. “Are you for real? I mean, are you… sure?”

“I just told you, I love you. Of course I'm sure!”

“Really? It’s not just… I don’t know?”

“No, Lex. I. Love. You.” I tell her. I’ve never been surer about anything in my life. “Those last few months without you, I… It’s been hell. I couldn’t focus on anything. I haven’t made a single painting, that didn’t feature your face or your eyes or... So please, tell me, that you’re still feeling the same, because otherwise it would be pretty ironic and I don’t think, I could ever muster the courage to pour my heart out again. You know, it took me weeks to get here and-”

“Yes.” She interrupts me. 

I blink. “Yes?”

“Yes, I still feel the same.” Lexa says. 

“Yes?”

I know, I'm smiling like an idiot. Like a lovesick idiot. I just heard the answer, I’ve been dreaming about for days now.

“Clarke. I love you. I-”

I can’t stop myself from kissing her. 

I seal her lips with a desperate and relieved kiss, trying to tell her, how much I love her without words. 

And while I kiss her and she’s kissing me back, I can taste the rest of our lives on her lips.

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***  
> THE END. (for now?)
> 
> The feedbacks make my days at the moment. So thank you for taking the time to read my story.  
> I wish you the best <3
> 
> ***

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading <3


End file.
